CHAPTER 64 Selfish

This chapter is told from three different point of views.

I just needed to do it this way to make you see what I saw??

EDWARD’S ETERNAL KISS

CHAPTER 64

Selfish

~X~X~X~Bella~X~X~X~

“Come on son we have to make the call.”

“If I fuck up take the phone.” He asked Carlisle. Running his hands through his hair tugging it one last time.

“Of course.”

Carlisle was awesome. He was here to help support Edward. The celebration went well and Edward was focusing on the stats and what not after. I knew he was trying to avoid this part. But it had to be done.

I sat and listened as the phone rang to my mom’s house. I had not heard her voice since I was changed.

“Hello.”

Mom.

My heart may not beat but it felt pain. Aching pain.

“Hi um is this Renee?” I could hear the nerves in Edward’s tone. I knew instantly this was much harder than I ever could have imagined for him. His voice was so off. Edward was always sure of himself when he spoke to anyone. I didn’t recognize this voice. I was really nervous now and worried.

“Yes it is who is this?”

“It’s…uh…its… me um Edward Cullen.”

“Edward! It’s great to hear from you how are you honey? How is Bella?”

He took a deep breath closed his eyes tight and his jaw clenched for a moment before he started in.  

“Renee…I don’t…know I don’t know…how to say this to you…” I heard his voice begin to crack a little more.

“What’s wrong Edward?”

His brow furrowed and I stepped up, tried to comfort him, and reached out to rub his back.

“Renee…I am so sorry, I uh…..”

“What is it? Is it Bella? What’s happened?”

“Edward what happened? Where is she? Where is my little girl?”

“Renee…I am sorry… Bella…”

“No Edward. Tell me she is okay and this is all a joke.”

“I am sorry Renee. I am so fucking sorry.” Carlisle moved in and took the phone from him. He left the room abruptly and I stopped focusing on my mother’s voice. I could hear the panic in her voice and that was when Edward turned to me with lightning speed and slammed me into the wall. He was pulling me into a hug. Hugging me harder than he ever has before.

“I can’t do this!” he sobbed into my neck.

His voice low so that only I could hear. “Kitten please…I can’t go through with this!”

“You have to.” I demanded and pulled him back to look at me pushing us away from the wall. I took his face in my hands and held it to force him to look at me. His brow was furrowed and his face was just broken looking. I started to get angry.

“You wanted me forever and this is the most important thing I am ever going to ask of you. They need closure. I need closure Edward!! Damn it!! I can’t just walk out of their lives and let them just wonder what happened to me everyday for the rest of their lives! It is cruel! They don’t deserve that Edward! They are my parents for God’s sakes! I have to say goodbye!”

He dropped his eyes and I shook him. I shook him hard to make him look at me again.

 “You started this Edward Anthony Cullen and you will finish it! It is the price you will pay for making me fall in love with you!” I started to cry with him.

“I am sorry…I didn’t think!!” His forehead dropped to mine. “I am so fucking sorry!”

“I know Edward me too!” I sobbed holding him.

“I killed you! I took that light away from your parents Bella! How do I face them? How do I look at you and watch them mourn you when I get to keep you?”

“Just let them say goodbye. Sit there be stoic and all you have to do is look over and see me. I will be right there. My focus will be on my stillness but you are not losing me! They already have! Please Edward. Let them say goodbye.”

“I have lost part of you too!!!” he roared his grip on me tightened.

Thankfully, Carlisle had hung up the phone and returned. He looked at me and his concerned caring eyes landed on Edward.

“I took away and damned your sweet, sweet soul, I stole your warmth, the delicious blood that pumped through your veins…my God I stopped your fucking heart! I killed the girl that I love and now I have to sit with her parents and be okay??” He was pulling at his hair.

My eyes darted to Carlisle and he gave me a small nod. This was it. This is what Carlisle was talking about. Reality sinks in for Edward and the number of casualties left in the wake of our discovering each other is climbing. He sees it now but it is fate. I belong with him. He has to know this.  

“Son. This isn’t going to change what has happened and you gave Bella a life without illness or death in her future. You found your mate son. You did nothing wrong!” Carlisle stepped forward and clapped his hand on his shoulder.

Edward lunged for me picking me up again and pressing me against the already cracked wall startling me.

“I took away that beautiful blush baby! I fucking miss it! I miss those chocolate eyes.”

I gaze at him and I notice Edward is breaking down. His eyes look haunted and he is scared as it sinks in.

“I killed you!!!”  

“I know Edward. It is perfectly fine to mourn those things. You lost the human me. I did die. But baby I am still here. Just not blushing anymore. My eyes are still mine. They just changed color because you added part of you to me. I was created by you baby. You said you did a good job. You do believe that don’t you?”

The pain on his face eases up a little and he mumbles, “You’re perfect.” His eyes move along my face as my words seemed to calm him. “You’re beautiful. You’re my Bella.”

“I am still here baby. I am not going anywhere.”

“Tell me you forgive me Bella. Please tell me that you forgive me for this. I am sorry that I wanted you. I am sorry that I took everything away from you baby. I just couldn’t help it! It is the most selfish thing I have ever done! I swear!!! I just couldn’t live without you!!!”

“There is nothing to forgive Edward but if you want me to forgive you then I do baby. I don’t blame you. I blame fate. Fate brought me to you. I sacrificed my life to be a part of yours. I belong to you! You are what matters. I would sacrifice this life for you too Edward to protect you until my dying breath. I would do it all over again.”

“I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you.” His hand cradles my cheek.

“Why not? What did you do that is so horrible that you don’t deserve to be happy?”

“I have killed people. Taken their lives to feed the beast inside of me. People that may of not been the best but they were still human beings. Bella…you do realize I have cannibalized my own kind!”

“EDWARD!” Carlisle roared.

In mere seconds, they crouched and took a defensive stance hissing at one another preparing for an all out war.

“DON’T YOU DARE EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!!!!!!! NO WONDER YOU’RE SO FUCKED UP!” Carlisle glared at him seething spitting and hissing.

Good fucking God this is so not the time to notice Carlisle’s beauty in all his anger….just kill me now please God this is just so fully wrong. I want to bang my head against the wall. Bella defend your mate!  

“It’s true!” Edward yelled.

“Son so help me God if you believe that then there is nothing I can say to refute that belief. I am so disappointed in you for the first time in my life Edward. Really! You have hurt me beyond words right now and…I am at a loss as to what to say!”

That was when I jumped in between them. Embarrassment be damned.

“Edward. If you believe that then you do realize that we are doing it to each other when we are feeding on the other during sex don’t you?!” I gave him my sad eyes.

The reality of my words washed over his expression.

“No. That is not what I meant!” He looks around panicking.

“How is it any different? Edward we are vampires! I did not choose this life and neither did you!” Carlisle roared still angry.

Beautiful fucking beast be damned.

“Well then what does that say about me?” I whispered looking down at my feet.

“Oh Bella honey! That is not what I meant!” Carlisle interjected.

“It’s okay. I get it. Really. Edward we are no different from humans. They do deplorable things to animals to feed themselves. Cage them up, pin them in, raise them to get fatter and then lead them to slaughter and what is worst is that a lot of it is wasted. We are so much better than that! We don’t waste. We kill humanely. We are a superior species. It doesn’t matter what we choose to feed on. It is called the food chain and you need to get over the aversion you have of yourself. I am your mate and I understand that you hurt from the things you have done. Stop taking blame for shit that you had no control over. You had no control over who made you. You had no control over the choice in your mate. But now you are the epitome of control. So let it go. Shit happens baby, and I need you to do this for me. Please. I promise I will show you every day how much I love you, just allow my human memory the dignity it deserves and mourn me as I should be mourned. Stand with my parents and say goodbye. You owe them that. You owe me that! Please.”

“Oh Bella.” His body crashes into mine.

Carlisle had left us alone and I knew the tension was still thick between them. I have to agree with Carlisle. I hated to learn that this is the turmoil that had been going on inside of his head all this time. It sickened me, but he could not be more wrong. We are NOT cannibals. We are beings just like everyone else living and surviving on what we were given.

This family my new family is even far more superior than this so called Volturi I have heard so much about. We didn’t take human lives. I had killed a man once, but my God, if I carried that hate around with me of myself over it I would be one really broody fucking bitch. I fucked up. I know it. Edward obviously fucked up a lot and did turn into that broody bitch. Well there was no way in hell he was going to regret turning me and I was going to make sure of that everyday. After that blow up was when I got him to relax for that one night that I teased him in the playroom.

Since I had given him his surprise, I had yet to see him. I may have been hurt but I figured that Edward had to deal with this in whatever way he needed to, so that he could get through it. I could give him that. I had my own worries to deal with anyways.

~X~X~X~

I sat there staring at my reflection in the mirror knowing and hoping that my change in looks would be blamed on my death. It would be odd. Usually when people die, they don’t suddenly get pretty.

“They are going to see an angel.” His honeyed voice filled the room.

“I see one.” I smiled at Carlisle’s reflection in the mirror.

“I am far from angelic.” He smirked.

“Please do not share the details with me.” I giggled.

“He gave me a huge sparkling smile and winked.” If I could have, I would be blushing like a poinsettia on Christmas.

“You look lovely dear.” Carlisle stepped up and kissed me on top of the head.

“Are you ready?” He asked staring at my reflection.

“Where is Edward?”

“He is with his Mom.”

“He is a mess isn’t he?”

He gave me a sad smile and a small nod. “Don’t worry Bella love, we will take care of him. You worry about your performance.”

I swallowed.

“So no wolves will be here?”

“No Isabella. The treaty has been broken. Jacob is…not happy. We have already taken the steps of relocating to Alaska. We have no choice. Maybe in a few hundred years we can come back down to the Americas. But for now we will have to remain in the North.”

“Who told him?” I asked quietly looking down at my hands.

“I spoke to him on the phone I tried to explain the situation. He warned me and I told him that the warning was not going to be heeded. He cursed and knew that you had already been turned. He said he knew the minute that Charlie had called to tell him you had passed. He just didn’t want to believe it. He told me that he was very close to telling Charlie. I made it a point to tell him that he had no idea what he would be unleashing upon his own kind if he made that decision and it would be a huge mistake that if the Volturi got word of this he would have thousands of our kind descending on his little reservation with gifts he couldn’t even imagine. I also told him everything Bella. I explained how Alice sees things and Edward reads minds. I had to. I had to make him realize the gravity of what he was in for if he didn’t keep this quiet. I then told him that he could call and speak to you himself. After he calmed somewhat he sort of well broke down Isabella. He wanted me to tell you that he misses his best friend and that he hopes you are truly happy with whatever choices you made. He wanted me to tell you that he loves you.”

“Thank you Carlisle.”

“We have to get you ready. People will be arriving soon.”

I took one last look in the mirror and steeled myself.

~X~X~X~

The funeral was held in the early evening. I gasped when I walked into the room that was now lined with rows of chairs and rows of candles that lit up the room in an orange/yellow glow that had shadows dancing along the walls of Edward’s main sitting room. It was when I saw the glass casket that my breath whooshed out of my lungs.

What the hell were they thinking? If I moved, someone would have been able to catch it.

I still had to love my vampire for wanting to put me in something so beautiful. If I had to be buried this would not be the way I would want to go into the ground though. I could see through it all the way around. The candlelight danced off the glass and it sort of sparkled in the light and the platinum railing sparkled as well. The cascade of jasmine he had placed at the end of it caused my heart to lurch nearly out of my chest.

He remembered.

I wore a crown of jasmine that night that he turned me in the meadow. My big hunky vampire was so careful to not overdo anything. Minus the casket of course but he brought that one little piece of memory into this night also.

Emmett stood there next to it all stoic and brave.

“Hey there pussycat.”

“Hey Em.”

“I thought I would do the honors.” He reached out for me to let him lay me in it.

I smiled at him.

“You are the sweetest girls I have had the pleasure of knowing. Your parents deserve this Bella. You are a really good kid so fucking brave. You do me proud.” He added as he lifted me up and laid me in it. It felt weird and I looked around it nervously. Emmett noticed right away.

“Two hours tops and I promise I will be right here to get you back out.” He smiles as he leans down, kisses my forehead, and winks.

“And I forgive you for humiliating the shit out of me. Just remember little one…payback is a bitch.” He flashes those dimples and walks away and I am laying here looking around.

Esme comes over and fusses over every little detail not meeting my eyes. Her hands straighten my dress, her fingers twist my curls. I wonder where Edward is. I can’t even smell him.

“Esme is Edward all right?”

Her eyes flashed to mine and she gave me a sad smile.

“As well as can be expected Bella. He is trying to get it together. He is struggling. He wants to run. I can sense it.” She gave me a sad smile. “He won’t though.” She assured me.

“You look beautiful. Five minutes and they will start letting people enter. Hold your breath. Close your eyes and go somewhere else Bella. Go somewhere that you love and remember that was fun. Good. Your happy place.” She smiles brighter. “It will be over before you know it.”  

“My happy place.” I nodded.

“Bella you are doing the right thing. Even if others think you are crazy…a parent needs to mourn the loss of a child and not wonder until they leave this earth what happened to them. This will give them closure. I am so proud of you.”

“Thank you Esme.”

“Your welcome sweetheart. Please whatever you do honey, don’t worry about Edward. We can handle him just let me have him and take care of him and don’t you worry about him whatsoever. I promise I will protect him, and when this is all said and done, you can have him back. Okay?”

I see worry in her eyes. “Promise me.” She demands.

“Okay Esme. I trust you.”

“Good girl. It’s time sweetheart. Eyes.” She says and turns away from me.

I take one unneeded breath searching for Edward’s scent when it hit me. I could smell him. He was here. I closed out every thought I had and I focused on the breathing that I knew so well.

It was erratic and off. My initial instinct was to jump up and go to him.

No, I couldn’t. Esme had him. She would take care of him.

I forgot about the holding my breath but I didn’t breathe in. I could just smell the scents as they wafted around me, the smell of melting wax from the candles, perfume, human blood, the jasmine, roses, carnations, then I heard voices mumbling in a low hum to most human ears but I heard every distinct word everyone said.

“Oh my God! Bella!” Jess’s voice was cracking and she was crying. I could taste salt in the air and smell her blood for the first time. I should have closed my sense of smell off. I wasn’t breathing but I was letting the scents fill my nostrils. I heard Mike console her.

“I am so sorry Bella! I didn’t mean it I swear!” she cried and I focused on something else.

Edward. His breathing. I could smell him he wasn’t close. I wanted him. I wanted to go to him and hug him.

I heard person after person speaking but not a word out of his lips.

I concentrated as hard as I could and focused.

Please let him hear me. Edward baby. I love you. It will be over soon enough. Then we can go. Leave tonight. I want to leave as soon as this is over.

I continued to smell every scent that entered with those that carried it in. Salt was the most present.

Tears I thought. I wondered how Edward was doing since I couldn’t open my eyes to see him. Then I heard his voice finally and I could hear the pain in his words as he spoke.

Charlie. He was talking to Charlie.

I just lay here as still as stone. My body cold as ice while my father was about to approach me for the first time I heard my father’s heart beat and caught the scent of his sweet blood.

My Charlie.  

Go to your happy place Bella.

Kittenella could handle this. I didn’t have to be here. I checked out completely.

~x~x~x~ CARLISLE’S POV ~x~x~x~

I stood here holding onto my son. “She is beautiful Edward and she is fine. Just a couple of hour’s son.” I tried to reassure him but he was about to crumble. Charlie was on his way up the stairs to the house. Rene was still in the car crying and not able to get out of the car yet. Her husband Phil was trying to console her.

“Edward. Charlie is coming son you have to do this.” I demanded. He nodded in acquiescence. Swallowed and turned to face Charlie Swan.

“Edward.” Charlie nodded at him.

“Hello Charlie.” His voice was on the verge of cracking.

“How are you doing son?” he asked. Worry etched on his face.

Edward paused and then his eyes fell.

“She wasn’t a good swimmer Edward. I don’t blame you son this isn’t your fault. Bella should have kept her feet on dry land. Hell even then she was still clumsy as hell.”

“I loved that about her.” Edward whispered meeting Charlie’s eyes. He looked so haunted by his demon.  

“So did I.” He gave a soft smile. “Thank you for handling everything. Rene and I we uh really appreciate it. God, Edward I am so sorry son…I know you loved her. Um…I would like to go see my daughter.” He nodded and moved to enter. Edward followed in behind him. I wasn’t expecting such a reaction from Edward. He let out a gasp and froze. My eyes scanned up to see Isabella in the casket.

If I didn’t see it with my own eyes I wouldn’t have believed it. She was like an angel laying there as still as stone. I noticed the dark circles around her eyes and I began to get worried. That meant she hadn’t fed recently and with so much human blood here this wasn’t good. 

Not at all.

If that were Esme in there, I would be in the similar state of mind as Edward I was sure of it. I grabbed my son holding him up with one arm to keep from collapsing to the floor.

I spoke so that only he could hear me.

She is fine Edward. She is going to be with you soon son. It’s just for Charlie and Rene. Take a deep breath.

Charlie turned to look at Edward and he could tell something was off. I had to stop his questioning before it started.

“Edward had not seen her yet.” I offered as an excuse for his reaction.

Charlie nodded and turned back to Bella. “She is beautiful.” He said and walked up to stand next to her. I had not even noticed the tiny baby pink rose he held in his hand with a little pink and white ribbon tied in a bow around it. The streamers had words written on them. Daddy’s Girl in a glitter on each side. He reached in and his fingers brushed the hair that had dropped out over her right eye. He tucked it back in, then placed the flower on her pillow next to her head and Edward shook in my arm that was draped over his shoulder.

He was losing his shit and I didn’t know if he was going to hold up for the next part.

Finally, Emmett saw how badly off he was and came over to take him and lead him to his assigned chair.

Then Edward did something that scared the fucking hell out of me.

He walked over to Bella’s casket and grabbed onto it looking down on her. He began apologizing to her sobbing over her. Emmett was on him in a heartbeat pulling him out of the room. Charlie looked at me and gave me a sad smile.

“He isn’t taking this well. It breaks my heart because I knew how much he cared for her. You should have heard him talk about her while we were fishing. He adored her. He called me and asked for her hand in marriage ya know? It was just a few weeks ago.” He sort of laughed a little then his brow furrowed.

I felt the lump build in my throat watching this father grieve for his child that my child took away from him. I wished I could tell him that he saved her. Forever. But I couldn’t.

“I didn’t know that.” I whispered but his revelation didn’t surprise me. Edward still had some old fashioned traits in him he wouldn’t let go of. Still the Victorian gentlemen even if he was a Dominant.

“Yeah. He is a good kid…bad circulation. You his doctor? He needs to have that circulation looked at.” He muttered and went to sit down.

I shook my head in wonder. I could hear Edward sobbing into his brother’s shirt at the far end of the house. I nodded for Jasper to go and get his emotions in check Rene was coming up the stairs he needed to be here.

I already wished this was over but it still hadn’t even begun. I began to worry about Bella. How was she fairing. She was doing remarkable considering she was on display to all her family and friends.

Alice Ben and Tia all went up and played their part saying their false goodbyes.

Rosalie stepped up and laid a long stem red rose next to her.

Rene entered the room and my heart broke just a little more when she saw her daughter lying there.

Tears streaming down her face and Esme was there consoling her in a minute. Esme always the rock.  

Charlie stared straight ahead at the wall. Swallowing and fighting back the tears.

He couldn’t watch the mother of his child grieve. She would pull him down with her. He was trying to stay so brave and strong. He had every right to cry. He should have.

Jasper was the one that led the service. He spoke, read from the bible with his southern drawl coming out from time to time, and did an excellent job telling stories of memories that Bella had shared with the family. He offered time for others to say some things and several spoke up to talk about a memory of her. Sometimes we laughed but most of the time we mourned.

Edward just stared at that casket once he was seated and didn’t move the entire time. I had to jostle around to make him look a little normal. He was so focused on her; he didn’t hear anything around him any longer.

 After the service, Charlie and Rene thanked us and we gave them the location that Edward had picked to bury her. Charlie and Rene were very happy with the choices that Edward was making for her service and didn’t protest or complain as he tried to include them in the planning. Well I did more so than Edward. He just wasn’t dealing with much at all.

My son was grieving over the fact that in his mind he murdered the girl that he fell in love with and not relishing in the fact that after a hundred years he had finally found his mate and saved her from illness, aging and even death which he would now have a more fulfilling life than if he had remained alone.

Right before Charlie turned to step out the door he looked at me with worry.

“I am worried about your son. I hope he can move on. Rene seems to think they were soul mates but she is weird like that you know.” He smirked.

I just nodded.

“Take care of Edward. I don’t want to get a call that says we lost him too.” With that, Charlie left looking over my shoulder at Bella.

“Bye baby girl.”

He turned and left, now in the privacy of his rental car I could hear him as clear as if he was standing right here. He began to shed a river of tears as he pulled away.

~X~X~X~EDWARD~X~X~X~

Emmett stood there next to the casket. I watched him. He was waiting. He promised me the minute the last guest left the property he would have her out of there. I heard the door click and I just sat here still frozen.

Staring.

Waiting.

Longing for it to be over.

I knew instantly that this night was going to be hell. It just started off bad and got worse. By the time everyone was starting to make their leave, I noticed her move just a hair. Only a vampire could have seen it. I didn’t take my eyes off the girl in the casket.

Her hair splayed out around her head with her inside of it.

It was beautiful…but my Kitten didn’t belong in there and she never would.

I wanted her out. Yesterday!

I felt my throat tightening up. Venom was pooling in my mouth for her and I couldn’t understand why.

Out.

Out.

Out.

Leave already. Just go.

I ran my hands through my hair finally making some sort of movement. I checked out at some point. Then I heard Charlie’s last utterance.

I knew instantly where Bella got her selfless heart. Charlie was worried about me if you can believe that. It was so typically a Bella trait. Now I knew of whom she inherited it from.

He blushed tonight also. I nearly freaked the fuck out when I caught it. Just a split second of it, when Jasper mentioned how proud Bella was that her father had named the football team.

He fucking blushed.

She was her daddy’s little girl.

Now she is mine. Out!

I started to breathe again and I could smell her, and the jasmine. The minute that gate shut behind our last guest my eyes went to Emmett and he reached in, scooped her up, and handed her to me the fastest that he could get her in my lap.

I latched onto her and cried. I cried silently into her hair as I hugged her. I cried for taking away her humanity. I cried because I missed those little human traits that made me fall so head over heels in love with her, but more than anything, I cried because I get to keep her.

It was over and she was right. I made it through it.

“Are you okay?” I asked pulling away to cradle her face and look into my beauty’s eyes.  “I was so worried about you. I don’t know how you did it Kitten. But you did it baby. You gave them what they needed.”

She smiled this impish little smile and clucked her tongue.

The little vampire I created had let Kittenella handle all of it. I shook my head in awe of her.

“Did anyone ever tell you that you are one moody little vampire?”

I snorted out a laugh. “You are so going to get it for that.” I growled into her neck.

“No seriously. You really are.” She narrowed her eyes at me looking at me out of the corner of her eye.

“With good reason.” I narrowed my eyes back at her.

“I know she promised that you could leave tonight but I have a better idea.”

She stood up and spun around. She stood there now in a peach pair of lace panties and a matching demi bra and flung her dress over the chair. I looked around the room and everyone was just gone.

“Wanna play?”

My eyes scanned up and down her body as she rocked on her heels her hands clasped behind her back.

Stunning.  

My heart still ached from such an emotional night but there was no way in hell I was going to pass this opportunity up.

“Maybe.” I stood up and circled around her untying my tie, yanking it off.

“Maybe?” she put her finger to her chin and looked at me innocently batting those lashes.

“Just maybe?”

“What did you have in mind?” I cocked a brow high waiting as I pulled off my jacket and  threw it over with her dress.

“There is an awfully big forest just north of here. Lots of game. Let us have one last romp before you two are hitched and we are bound forever. Let him out…I wanna play.”

Her eyes dilated and deepened in golden tones with traces of burgundy through them.

“He has had a pretty emotional day are you sure you can handle him?”

She rolls her eyes.

“I know I can.”

My cock was solid in a mere second. He was right there pacing and waiting licking his lips, salivating at the mouth. Chanting like he always has. Goading me.

Only this time…I rather enjoyed it. Egging it on. 

Cock harder than ever he is ready and I can feel her body react. Smell it. Taste it.

Let me claim her…fuck her…make her know who she belongs to. We can bite her, fuck her hard…Real hard. Come on. You know you want it just as bad as I do. I can smell her and she wants it too. Inhale. See intoxicating.

“Run. You get a head start.”

She stuck her tongue out at me and took off out the kitchen door leaving behind the tingling of a little school girl giggle in her wake.  

Time to hunt for a little pussycat? I whispered before I let the rumble in my chest growl out to her retreating form. 

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