Chapter 34 LETTING GO ~ TO FULLY EMBRACED

Edward's Eternal Kiss

Chapter 34

LETTING GO ~ TO FULLY EMBRACED

~x~X~x~BELLA~x~X~x~

We laid here for several minutes before I finally had the nerve to ask about what just happened.

“Edward why did you do that?”

He shrugged.

“That really isn’t an answer.”

“What do you want me to say?” his tone sounded so flat.

“What is with you?” I demanded.

He sat up and reached for his jeans pulling them on.

“It’s not me that has the attitude.” He muttered.

“Talk to me damn it!” Did he not say he forgave me? What the hell?

He turned around and his expression was so blank and distant. “What do you want me to say?” he asked again.

“Stop saying that!” I almost wanted to scream because he was pissing me right the fuck off!

“I said I was sorry!”

I wasn’t going to say it again! Fuck that!

The anger flashed back in his eyes and my God was he glaring at me! He crawled up to me at vampire speed and hovered over my body pushing me back down on the bed and he glared right into my eyes pinning me to the bed.

“Are you really sorry Bella? Because for some reason I don’t believe you. You think it is no big deal, but tell me Kitten…how would you feel if circumstances were reversed? How would you feel if you found out that Emmett, Jasper, and I went to a massage parlor and someone was massaging my cock? It was just a massage by a woman but hey it’s not that big a deal.” He mimics they way I had said it perfectly. It actually hurt to hear him talk to me that way.

“Just because they took you don’t mean you have to disregard everything we have between us! I love you and it fucking hurts DEEP to know that some random guy was between my Kitten’s legs! I can’t help feeling the way I do. I just know that I feel it and it hurts!!”

He flipped off the bed grabbed his shirt and wouldn’t look at me. He stopped at the door and took a deep breath. “God Bella why couldn’t you ask for a woman?” His last words were almost a slight whimper as he looked down at the floor and I could see his brow was furrowed deeply etched in his forehead. He really was hurt and I would swear if he could, he would cry.

Then he walked out of the cabin.

Tears started streaming down my face. The look on his face, God, I never want to see that look ever again!

I was pissed and those words hit home hard. Was what I did wrong? Should I have asked for a woman? I think that maybe I should have taken Edward’s feelings into consideration when it came to this. I never used a man at home before I started seeing him so why did I let a totally stranger, who happens to be male, do that? The only sad part was…what’s done is done and I can’t undo it. Could we get past this?

I curled up under the covers and laid there for some time trying to sort out all the various emotions of this man. My perception of Edward had become skewed.

He wasn’t perfect.

Then again, who the fuck is?

So I put myself in his shoes. If he was going to get waxed and it was by a female how would I feel about her down in his groin area? I thought of the flight attendant eyeing him. Edwards looks gained attention everywhere he went. Even I could see that. Now I imagined a beautician who found him attractive and would not only be able to ogle his handsome face. She would be ogling and touching him.

Oh, fuck that!

Okay, where did that come from?

I was jealous.

Jealous. Not Dominant.

Not…dominant.

There was the epiphany. He was right. It would break my heart to know a female had touched him there.  Then the memory of Rosalie’s words rang in my head.

“…all I can say is that it only gets worse when you’re changed. As vampires, we love deeply and hard when we find a mate. We mate for life. The connection you have to him will magnify especially in the first few years. You’re actually witnessing his natural tendencies to want you so badly he isn’t thinking clearly anymore. It is only going to get worse for him each time you are together intimately, but as a vampire that is in his nature. To a human however it looks as though he is a possessed stalking maniac. He has already shown signs of it and I hope you don’t see his possessiveness that is only going to worsen until you are changed, just don’t look at his behavior like it some sort of personality flaw. Keep in mind we are only vampires just as you are only human. He has been alone a very long time and I just hope his patience holds out and he can control the beast within him.”

But there was more I was starting to notice about Edward as I spent time with him. I laid there and thought about it until I fell asleep. It was the loneliest night I had ever had.
“Bella.”

“Bella wake up we are about to land you need to get dressed and go back to your seat and put your seat belt on.” His tone was still off.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

“I need to check your leg Kitten.” He was standing there his expression blank. I scowled at him.

“What do you care? And don’t call me Kitten.” I sneered as I got out of the other side of the bed and went to find something of Tia’s to put on.
Yes. I was obviously still hurt and there was only one way to lash out at him.

“Bella?” He sounded surprised by my irritation.

I pulled out a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt. She was taller so they were a little long.
I started to get dressed not even looking at him.
“Edward…I am trying to understand where you are coming from. This era is different from the one you were born in and I get that. Trust me I do.  But it’s not uncommon for a woman to have a man do her waxing, especially when there is a huge industry of gay men in spas and hair salons. Your little example of a comparison obviously worked and although I disagree with the situation…I decided to imagine you in a salon setting while getting your hair removed by a female and you’re totally right. I would be fucking pissed. I get that now! I understand. But what you did tonight was wrong and it hurt. You punished me for something that had nothing to do with play. I am confused about when we are in the role and how we so easily fade out of it. I am beginning to question this whole part of our relationship. I don’t want to be a submissive if this is how it is going to be. I should be punished for things I’ve done to displease you in the playroom but not for something I did in everyday life. We have no boundaries! You know I lack experience...but Edward…I am starting to realize that I am not the only one lacking in it!”

I put my tennis shoes on stood up and looked right at him. “Don’t you ever, ever, deny me my orgasm while you get off all over me again because I promise you right here and now, THAT IS A FUCKING HARD LIMIT FOR ME! That is a punishment I guarantee I will safe word before you even have a chance to put your hand on your dick!”

I stormed out of the cabin, went to a seat all together different, and buckled up looking out the darkened window and away from him. I could see the lights below twinkling and I was getting anxious to see my mom now.

He stepped in front of me and knelt down taking my hands into his. He attempted to pull them toward his lips but I held them firmly where they were. His eyes met mine and I saw the hurt.

I gave in and let him have them as he took each one to his lips kissing them. “Bella, I am so sorry.” He put his forehead on my knee and said it again. “I am so sorry.” I couldn’t help it. I pulled my hand away and ran it through his bronzed locks. His soft, messy bronzed locks. I missed him last night. I leaned forward and kissed the top of his tousled head. I loved him. I really loved him. And when he could admit that he was at fault too, it only intensified my feelings. We are both pretty screwed up and this change is weighing on both of us.

The pilot came on over the loudspeaker and asked that we all be seated and belted in. Edward dragged himself up, sat down next to me, and buckled up, but his arm came around and he hugged me to him.

“It was the loneliest night of my life.” he whispered.

I knew exactly how he felt. I didn’t like fighting with him. In the overall scheme of things, when couples fight it is about not taking the trash out or going out with the guys and getting drunk versus not calling home.
No this was Bella and Edward’s first fight. Bella let another man handle her kitty and didn’t tell Edward herself.  No, he had to find out through the thoughts of a twitchy little vampire.

No. I take that back I love Alice and she isn’t a witch even though Edward and Rosalie constantly call her that. This was a legitimate fight even if it was anything but typical.

“I am really sorry too. I was wrong. I should have asked for a girl. I should have taken your feelings into consideration.”

And, just like that it was over. In our past and forgotten never to be brought up again.

However, in light of that fight I had come to realize a few things last night before I finally fell asleep. I began to question if Edward even knew what his role as a Dominant was supposed to be. Did he really know what it meant to be a Dominant? Was he in this lifestyle because of a desire to play this role or was it something else?

Based on all the facts I had in front of me, I had a feeling my answer was going to be a big fat resounding no. Edward admitted he had manipulated this lifestyle to fit his.
He basically took on the persona of something he truly didn’t understand so he could learn and mold to fit his needs. That is not what domination is. He said he studied this before he entered into it but how much studying did he really do?

Edward entered into this lifestyle based on a bet. He then used this lifestyle to manipulate and try to mold a model of me but failed as he explained it.

His brother’s idea of getting him laid also failed and Edward should have either decided to dedicate himself to this role and participate in it physically and emotionally or he should have bowed out.

But when he continued to participate in it without gaining anything from it, why would he keep doing it?

I suspected that ten years of this lifestyle doesn’t mean anything if you only stand there and watch while letting another submissive do your job. Yes, it is acceptable, but, when you’ve lived without the one on one, you’re going to fail when you are putting yourself in a role that is not familiar. Yes, he was a dominant, but he was a dominant to a coven. Not to one single submissive.

He didn’t know how to handle me!

Oh, my god that’s it!

He didn’t do it for any personal pleasure, although he clearly wanted to; it just wasn’t possible for him. In his mind, he believes he is a Master. Yet in his playroom, it was only a title to keep the girls at bay. Keyword…title. I didn’t have time to figure this shit out now as we were landing, but rest assured, once I had wrapped up my loose ends, I was going to call Ben and have a very long heart to heart conversation with him about Edward’s lack of experience where I was concerned.

At the time, I didn’t believe Ben was right when he said he failed as a mentor. Edward used the title of master to manipulate his subs and it was wrong. That wasn’t Ben’s fault!

I needed to find out, if in fact, Edward had a dominant bone in his body. I was pretty sure he did but I think his lack of being able to actually play the role the way it was meant to be played was his downfall. If that is the case, then it appeared I wasn’t the only one that needed to be trained.

The thought made me giddy. Something we could learn together.  And if I hadn’t learned anything else after tonight, it was that deep down inside of me there was a submissive screaming to be controlled. I was born to do this.  I could feel it in my gut and if I had to train my Master and do it all backwards it wouldn’t be impossible.

Nothing is impossible when you live in a world of Vampires, Shape shifters, and Wolves.

The jet came to a stop and Edward was staring at me. “What has you so deep in thought?” he asked brushing my hair out of my eyes.

“Our future, us, and…” I trailed off looking at his lips.  They are so pouty and my kitty feels so neglected.

He watched me, “…and?” he asked waiting for me to continue.

I sighed. “…later. Come on my mom is going to be bouncing off the walls in there.” I smiled. He stood up reaching down to undo my seat belt.

“What is it with you and seat belts?” I asked looking up at him.

He smirked. “My hand is really close to your kitty and I like it.” He grinned like a big kid. I would swear that he would have blushed if he could.

I heard Katy Perry singing that line in my head.

My hand is really close to your kitty and I like it….

Then as the next verse of the song played out, I blanched.

Hope my boyfriend don’t mind it…

Yeah actually he does.

I let out a loud laugh. “You’re so juvenile sometimes!”
He leaned into my ear and whispered “I am only seventeen you know. My little cougar.” He smirked pulling back.

As I stood up, I gaped at him! He laughed and slid his hand up under my t-shirt, flipping it over warming it against my heated skin. He threw our bag over his shoulder as he took my hand leading us out of the plane.

We were both laughing when I heard my name being called.

“Bella!!” I turned to look and there she was.

RENEE

“Mom.” I whispered. I dropped Edward’s hand and ran to her hugging her. I hadn’t realized how much I truly missed her. It had been two years since I saw her last.

She hugged me back just as tight. “Aw baby girl I missed you!”
She finally let go of me.

I turned and reached out for Edward’s hand pulling him towards me.
“Mom this is Edward. Edward this is my mom Renee.”

My mother’s eyes darted from our hands to me to him and she had a slight smirk on her face.

He shook her hand and said, “It’s a pleasure to meet you Renee.”

“You too Edward. Her eyes darted down to our hands, I knew exactly what she was thinking, and then I knew exactly what she would think next.

I looked at Edward to see if I was right.

And there it was.

An embarrassed Edward was a sight to see. I giggled to myself.

He looked down at his feet and then nervously looked up at me from under his lashes, his head bowed.
She knows now that he is more than just my boss. She probably suspects that this little trip may be more than a business trip for Edward. Her next thought was predictable as well. She thinks he is hot! I wanted to laugh aloud. I knew she would tell me when we were alone. But for now poor Edward was being subjected to the thoughts of my mother and I couldn’t wait to hear what was really inside of her head because I was going to make damn sure that he told me. I could always read my mom pretty well but to have it confirmed. I truly looked forward to hearing what was in her head.

We made our way to the parking lot where she had parked as she rambled on about Phil and she was sad that I would miss him. She had no idea how much this bothered me. I wouldn’t get to say goodbye to my stepfather. I would have to make sure to call him and at least tell him that I love him and I love that he loves and takes such good care of her. She looked great; happy and healthy. I know she is going to be fine so long as she has him in her life.

“So Edward has to leave early?” She asked as we drove to her tiny little house on the beach.

“Yes. He has to be in Daytona Beach early for a meeting. A car is picking him up in about 4 hours.”

“That is too bad. Well at least I get to spend the day with you.” I smiled and felt really bad about lying to my mom. Edward wasn’t able to hang out because of the sun so we had to get him a hotel room to hang out in while I spent the day with my mom. Then once the sun was down he would be back and we could all spend some time together later tonight.

Our flight left the following morning again before the sun came up. Dodging the sun in the south sucks when you’re a vampire. I wondered how Edward handled it so well living in LA since it was sunny so often. He explained that there is just as much night as day but the last ten years had been hard to deal with. He was, in fact, ready to relocate and move back with his family but since he had met me things were different.

He was trying to decide if he wanted to sell the house in LA and he talked about moving to Alaska for the first years of my new life. Less population means less likely to have an accident. Those were his words and yes, they worried me. But Edward and his family assured me they would make sure I didn’t feast on any of the towns’ locals.

After we arrived at my moms and I sat up and talked with her while, Edward headed for the guest room to pretend to sleep since his limo would be here at four thirty. I was all caught up with my mom before she started to yawn. She went to sleep a little after three in the morning and it gave me an hour and a half of Edward time. I fell asleep just before he left and woke up to my mom cooking something and burning it as the smoke detector was sounding off.

She never was good at cooking. She tried I had to give her that...

We spent the day down on the beach, walked the pier and she bought me a ring that I insisted she keep it for herself. She refused of course and it fit on my index finger. She had no idea how much I would come to cherish this.

When we got back as the sun was setting Edward’s limo was sitting out front.
“I wonder why it’s sitting here.”

Just as we got to the door, it flew open and Edward’s expression scared me. Something was wrong.

“Did you two have fun?” He tried to put on a front but I could feel it when he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me to him tightly.

“Yes we did.” My mom obliviously chirped.

“I was wondering if I could take you both to dinner.” He offered and naturally, my mother agreed.

“Mom you might want to change?” I asked as I made my way to the guestroom. Edward was right behind me and as soon as I shut the door, he grabbed me hugging me.

“What’s wrong? You are paler than normal. You’re almost transparent for crying out loud!” I pulled back to look at him.

“Your cell phone is off isn’t it?” He narrowed his eyes at me.

I pulled it out and frowned. “Sorry.” I was afraid to look up at him.

“Bella. James showed up in San Diego. Bella his coven has grown.”

“Oh my god! Are Ben and Tia alright?”






© 2010-2011 Robshandmonkey ~ All rights reserved.

AS ALWAYS....THANKS  TO MY BETA'S MARGE AND TRACY! 

WITHOUT THEM YOU ALL WOULD HAVE HUNG ME OUT TO DRY 

WITH THE ERRORS I HAD IN THIS! UGH!

WARNING...
FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER EDWARD IS GOING BE THE EDWARD THE WAY I LOVE HIM...DARK & DEEP!